1. Her little fucking rat dog of a chihuahua snuck in the room while we’re fucking and attacked me. You have no idea how fast a man can move when there is a set of tiny evil teeth coming at your junk.
2. I bought some fancy, organic lube to try with my boyfriend at the time. We get down to business and my vagina starts stinging a little bit. Then a lot. Then full on BURNING. We quickly stop and he says that his bits are feeling a little tingly but not the level I’m on. I grab the lube bottle and take a better look at it. Just says normal, organic, unscented lube. I spend 5 minutes looking all over this damn bottle before I find the problem in the very last listed ingredient: menthol. My vagina continued to burn for the next hour.
3. The guy had a sudden pain. One side of his penis and groin turned black and blue. Had to go to the ER. Thought I broke his penis. It was a blood clot that moved there due to what was going on [the erection].
4. Had my cervix hammered at the wrong angle and bruised it. I almost went to the ER but suffered through after Dr. Google made me feel like I wasn’t going to die (for once). I bled a little but the pain lasted days. For sure was waddling to walk for the first day.
5. Used to have that roll around sex where you drastically change positions and are just going at it. We were on the floor and we somehow tipped this heavy ass lamp over and a metal part hit her square in the lip, busted it pretty decently. We worked at the same place and her excuses for it were terrible, that’s all I remember.
6. I once passed out mid-climax. I didn’t eat that day and I just collapsed on her. She thought I straight up died on her. Wasn’t too serious but was definitely not fun.
7. I was getting a hand job from my girl (now ex) and I just fell asleep. I was really tired from the night before, and the hand job wasn’t that good either. She noticed when I started snoring.
8. While having car sex, had a very nice elderly woman pull over to make sure we were ok.
9. Was on top and went to to kiss him as he was coming up and cracked my nose on his big ass forehead. It made a pop and I was so sure it broke, but ended up only being sore for a days. He picked on me making Owen Wilson jokes for like 2 days after because I kept freaking out about if it was crooked or not.
10. I came inside my girlfriend and pulled out and it got all over my bed, before we had a chance to clean it up my cat jumped on the bed right in it. Sorry Bender, he did not like that bath.
11. She started shaking and hyper ventilating, mumbling the name “XXXX” over and over. Had no idea what was happening I just cradled her. Apparently that was her best friend’s name that raped her years ago and we were getting so rough she had a PTSD flashback. We went out for a walk after and ordered pizza.
12. I was eating her out. When she began to climax, she had her thighs on my shoulders with her legs up. She began squeezing my neck really hard. Not wanting to ruin her orgasm I kept going until I passed out from her choking me out like that. She thought she killed me. I was only out for like a minute but to her it was like five.
13. Gagged on my boyfriend’s dick mid-deepthroat and let out a giant fart.
14. Newly pregnant with our first baby and had some weird morning sickness but also was insanely horny. Was riding my husband and ended up throwing up all over him and the bed when I climaxed.
15. Right before he finished, he pulled out and, instead of coming, he peed all over me. Complete accident. We were both incredibly alarmed, but I went straight into damage control mode and calmly cleaned up, and comforted him because I’m sure it had to be completely humiliating to accidentally pee on your partner… Later when I was alone I let myself be grossed out and feel sorry for myself.
16. One time during sex the cat decided he needed pets and laid on my chest and stared at my husband.
17. We were in the middle of it when we BOTH got hit with horrible stomach aches. I was in the middle of asking him to stop when he abruptly bolted toward the (only) bathroom. Apparently, something we had eaten earlier that day was less than fresh! And, due to circumstances of the position we were in, I didn’t get to the toilet first and had to wait in the fetal position until it became vacant. It was not a good time.
18. Pulling both hamstrings. First one, then the other while compensating.
19. Started farting uncontrollably. In rhythm to my thrusts. Thank god they were dry.
20. He was going to fucking town on me with some toys while eating me out. Right as I came (super hard… saw stars) I blasted a giant queef right in his sweet face. In my defense, he was the one cramming a bunch of air all up in there.
21. D-bag ex bf thought he was a sex god cause he was slightly above average size wise. Well I was not turned on, no lube + him just trying to get it in tore my vag. I’m bleeding and telling him to stop, he does, then just says I’m going to go finish in the bathroom without asking if I’m okay or what’s going on. We were exes not long after that.
22. It was my first time having sex and the girl’s mother came in. It was Mother’s Day.
23. I was 19 and my bf went a little too deep and I was hit with blinding pain. Wound up on the floor crying for 30 minutes before we went to the hospital. Turns out I had a bad appendix and it was about to burst.
The worst part though was the doctor laughed during the exam and asked if we figured it out during sex. Cue me being embarrassed and confused. Finally asked him how he knew it. He said, “You have a hickey on each ass cheek.” Dead giveaway. With everything going on, I’d forgotten.
24. Guy I lost my virginity to invited me over, we were both in high school. I apparently wasn’t over my period yet so got blood on his dick and he got so mad he kicked me out. I had no car, so his best friend ended up picking me up and driving me home and apologized on his behalf.
25. Broke my pinky as I was shifting my position during missionary. My girlfriend (wife now) and I both heard it crack but I was so into it that I finished, went to the washroom, reset the finger and never even went to the hospital. It healed on its own but there’s still a bit of a crook to the right. We still laugh about it to this day.
26. She said, “You’re so good at this.”
Followed that up with, “Much better than Travis and Matt.”
Who the fuck are Travis and Matt??
27. Someone came in my throat and it came out of my nose.
28. Someone lost a lip ring eating me out once. He must have unscrewed the ball with his tongue. We found the ring but not the ball, to this day I pray it was in the carpet.
29. I had a partner stop in the middle of giving me head, walk out, and never talk to me again.
30. The “wrong hole” incident. Everything was way too lubricated I guess, in addition to thrusting very enthusiastically, and he went out of the vag and fully sunk into my asshole. Worst pain of my life. My ears started ringing, got tunnel vision and nearly blacked out.