1. Cast iron pans are best for beating your husband. Advice from my aunt.
2. My MIL told me if I keep “acting smart” it wouldn’t last long and the secret to her 25 years of marriage is always acting dumb around the husband. Met her husband’s mistress few years later. She was a successful lawyer with a PhD.
3. My MIL set up this Jenga set at our wedding where people could write messages so when we play we would have the memories of the day. My wife’s uncle wrote, “Suck his dick.”
4. Not me but at my friends wedding. She has a SUPER religious section of the family, like of the five siblings, one is a priest, one is a nun, and one is a volunteer youth pastor on the side.
The priest uncle said, “Just because you’re married now, doesn’t mean you can be lustful. Just remember that sex always under the eyes our lord.”
Her husband is a sex toy designer.
5. Comparatively tame, but the “She’s always right” sentiment of a lot of older couples is insane. Like, Donald, you spend 6 hours a day away from home because you can’t communicate with your wife and you refuse to actually treat your daughter like a person with her own thoughts, don’t pretend like your advice is worth jack shit.
6. My wife’s mother told her at her first marriage: “Never turn him down when he wants it, otherwise he’ll start to stray.”
7. My sister’s in-laws told her to “be understanding if at one point their boy had a GF, it’s something men do when they don’t feel loved or cared for at home, they have different needs and as long as they still provide for their home, it’ll be OK.” You can guess how faithful my BIL’s dad was in that marriage.
8. My mum told me: “Marriage is like a game of cards. You start with 2 hearts and a diamond in your hand, but by the end you’re begging for a club and a spade”
9. “Stay hydrated, you’re gonna need it tonight, man!” -Colleague that got the obligatory invite.
10. “Make love like it’s the last time, every time.” -My wife’s grandma.
11. A blow job a day, keeps the mistress away. A friend said this to my wife.
12. Bridesmaid to my wife on our wedding day: “Statistically you are now 3 times more likely to die at the hands of your new husband than a stranger.”
13. At my friend’s wedding, his grandfather stood up and gave them a speech that went something like; “Every time you try for a baby, put a jelly bean in a jar. Try to fill the jar by the end of your first year.”
14. An old uncle pulled me aside and said, “Listen, I’m going to make your life very easy. Just let her make all the decisions!” I was like fuck that. I didn’t get married to be a doormat, or to have a doormat, for that matter, either. I married a person.
15. I was told that Jesus was a third “partner” in a marriage and it would be good to have a picture (representation) of Jesus in the bedroom.
16. I always heard the advice: “Don’t got to bed mad at each other.” Please go to bed. Staying up late arguing is the worst and 99% of little problems just disappear in the morning after you’re both rested.
17. Mom: Son, your sister and your Brother In Law use the rhythm method.
Me: You realize they have six kids, right?
18. I can’t remember who, but someone from my wife’s side told her, while I was sitting there, ‘Keep his stomach full and his balls empty!’ I mean, it’s a bit crass, but it’s probably not terrible advice?
19. “If it smells like cologne, leave it alone. If it smells like fish, have a dish.”
20. Divorced now, but my mom told me to invest in a sex swing right after the photographer told her to give me some advice. Made for great pictures, but I’m still mortified and it’s been 10 years.
21. “Whenever he tells you how to do stuff, you say ‘yes, dear’ and then do what you want.”
Advice from my aunt. I guess it worked on her husband because he wanted to be the man of the house but wasn’t very smart. I didn’t even try it, my man is smart and we are partners – we make all decisions together (been married for almost 23 years now).
22. From my aunt: “Don’t ever make him a cup of tea. He’ll expect it all the time and never make one for you.”