1. Because if you don’t hire me, your replacement will.
2. Because I need money and you need employees.
3. Because the you from twenty years into the future hasn’t jumped back in time to tell you that you shouldn’t.
4. Because you put up a sign saying you needed people with exactly my experiences and credentials in this position. If you don’t want me I will take down your sign because it’s wrong.
5. Because I have the only antidote. Did you enjoy your coffee?
6. Because I’m a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I’d like to put more in that jar. That’s where you come in.
7. Because you can’t afford not to, given my penchant for arson.
8. I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.
9. I want money. You give me money to do things. I’m happy to do things for money.
10. Maybe you shouldn’t, I don’t know the other people applying.
11. Because I would like to acquire currency.
12. I don’t know, and you don’t know. We’ll figure that out together if you hire me.
13. Because you seem like smart people and you’ll make the right decision.
14. Because I am willing to exchange services for funds.
15. Because if you don’t then another person just like me will continue the trend because of how common I am.
16. You’ve already figured that out. You just want to know if I know why, to see if you can low-ball the offer.
17. Because you’re hiring.
18. Because I know what you did last summer.
19. If you don’t, I’ll come into work and do the job anyway.
20. Y’all’re desperate as hell for warm bodies, right? Check my temperature and see if I’m warm.
21. Because you won’t have the smallest dick in the company…
22. Because I am the chosen one.
23. If you don’t, I will spoil Endgame for you.
24. Because, I’ll never give you up, let you down, I’ll never run around and hurt you, I’ll never make you cry, say goodbye, again, I’ll never run around, or desert you.
25. I need beer money and this job is piss easy.
26. You didn’t come here to make a choice, you’ve already made it. You came here to try to understand why you’ve made that choice. I’ll be starting tomorrow.
27. Because I’m incredibly lazy and that makes me very good at creating efficiencies and automating things.
28. I know a guy who can get us donuts.
29. To fulfill the prophesy of the chosen pizza delivery man.
30. Why wouldn’t you?