Upon being asked for the hundredth time why I am single and if I will ever find someone who will help me grace this world with my offspring, I have decided to compile a list of reasons why I am a total catch. I write this in hopes that I can find a man to help me fulfill what others have deemed to be my sole life purpose. I hope someone out there finds me worthy.
1. I’m a total risk-taker.
As I write this article, I am currently eating a tube of raw cookie dough in the same manner that a normal person would probably eat a burrito. You see, I like to live my life on the edge, and let’s be honest, it’s totally worth the impending salmonella poisoning.
2. I’m not afraid to switch things up.
I have an addiction to dying my hair. It is always changing, and often between bright, abnormal colors. It’ll be like dating someone new every month. If it looks like a murder took place in your bath tub, don’t worry. It was just me, dying my hair red again.
3. My quirks are pretty cute.
When I sneeze, I have this involuntary reflex of kicking my leg up in the air. I have actually kneed myself in the face on more than one occasion. With the combination of my grace and my height, I probably resemble Wee Man from Jackass kicking himself in the head: Totally adorable, and very entertaining.
4. I really know how to heat things up.
I possess the rare talent of starting kitchen fires while attempting the simple task of boiling water to make my famous dish: Ramen Noodles. I might not be able to keep you full, but Darling, I will definitely keep you warm.
5. I will never be too clingy.
I often disappear for days or a week at a time when I go in to these hibernation phases where I binge-watch Supernatural and block out the rest of the functioning world. I mean, you’re welcome to join me, but only if you promise to leave reality behind and bring the food.
6. I can provide shelter.
Not to brag or anything, but I can make some bomb ass blanket forts, with the assistance of your living room furniture and my inability to grow up.
7. I am nothing but loyal.
I hate people, so I will never cheat on you. I don’t really go out of my way to talk to new people unless I have to, let alone bump uglies with them.
8. I am eloquent.
If you hadn’t noticed, I have a way with words.
9. I will never fall asleep on you.
I don’t really sleep. It’s cool though, this means I will most likely be awake to fight off your sleep paralysis demons for you. My hours of binge-watching Supernatural will finally pay off. Don’t worry, me and the Winchesters got you covered.
10. I’m a sight for sore eyes.
I am usually too tired to clean the makeup off of my eyes before bed. This usually results in me waking up with eyeliner and mascara smeared unceremoniously all over my forehead and cheekbones. I often resemble Linda Blair’s character from The Exorcist. If you have a horror fetish, look no further. But don’t worry, the only thing I have any interest in taking possession of is your heart.
11. I can keep you safe.
I will protect you from the wild things. Last summer, I was sitting on my porch some time after midnight and I accidentally burped so loud that three of my neighbors simultaneously turned their porch lights on and searched their front yards in confusion. If I have the ability to scare the hell out of my neighbors, I could probably scare away bears in the wild, too. Don’t worry babe, I’ll protect you.
12. I’m super classy.
If you’ve made it this far down the list, you can see that this one is self-explanatory.
13. I’m like, totally desperate.
Evidently, I desperately seek the validation of male companionship (and I totally didn’t roll my eyes while typing this sentence at all).
Call me, handsome.