I don’t want to be the quiet girl anymore. The shy girl. The boring girl. I don’t want to get overlooked while writing party invitations and setting concert plans because everyone assumes I am going to choose to stay home instead.
In 2019, I am going to break from my comfort zone. I am going to say yes to adventure, even though my anxiety is going to try to talk me out of trying new things. I am going to ignore the nagging voice in the back of my head, warning me to play it safe.
I am not going to let my anxiety win. I am going to place myself into uncomfortable situations to test my strength. I am going to practice using my voice.
I am no longer going to get bullied by what ifs. Instead of fearing the worst case scenario, I am going to count the good things that could happen. I am going to train myself to become an optimist.
It would be easier to give into my doubts. It would be easier to accept my situation. But I am choosing to fight against my situation, against my worries, against my anxiety.
I am guaranteed to have hard times ahead. On certain days, an act as small as leaving the house is going to drain every ounce of energy from my body. There are going to be bathroom breakdowns. There are going to be screaming sessions with my pillow. There are going to be bad days — but I cannot let them convince me to give up.
Fighting against my anxiety is going to be a challenge, but it is better than accepting my place as an outsider. It is better than locking my bedroom door and sobbing about how lonely I have become lately.
I am exhausted from beating myself up over every wrong move. My anxiety has slowly been destroying me. It has been stealing my friendships, my self-confidence, my chance at personal growth.
Last year, I cancelled plans a million times. I backed out of social situations. I texted instead of called. I pushed people away.
This year, I am going to follow through on my promises. I am going to pick up the phone. I am going to find the strength to socialize.
In 2019, I am not going to let my anxiety win. I am not going to be a bystander in my own storyline. I am not going to huddle in the back of the room and complain about how nobody notices me.
In 2019, I am going to congratulate myself on every small victory. Every time I answer an email instead of leaving it in my inbox for a month. Every time I answer a phone call instead of letting it go straight to voicemail. Every time I smile at a stranger instead of avoiding their eyes. I am going to use little stepping stones to lead me toward bigger ones.
In 2019, I am going to step outside my comfort zone. I am going to do what my anxiety has been begging me to avoid.