One of my favorite running gags in Bad Santa is the fact that the little boy who inexplicably becomes obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton is named Thurman Merman. It’s a popular movie, so you’d think that this unnamed mother would’ve seen it and realized that someone’s last name should play a role in the first name that they’re given. A good example of that is baseball player David Justice. His parents didn’t go and call him Augustus, because Augustus Justice sounds like a superhero character from a children’s book series.
My name isn’t exactly conventional either, so I don’t get upset when people say, “Oh, Mufasa, like The Lion King?” I get it, they probably don’t know that many Mustafas, which is fine. I’m not going to get up in arms whenever someone makes a You Don’t Mess with the Zohan reference to boot.
But she was so gob-smacked that her so-called “friends” would have the gall to insult her child that she up and un-invited them from her baby shower all because they had a thing or two to say about the name she plans to give her son.
Squire’s mother expressed her dissatisfaction with the group in a now viral Facebook post calling out everyone for being the no-good, two-bit, backstabbing liars they are by making fun of her child’s name.
Perhaps the best part of the righteous indignation she displayed in her invective targeted at all the meanies in her friend group is the fact that she went and repeated some of the jokes that people made at her expense.
Oh, and remember how I mentioned up top that you should be careful about picking a first name based on your last name? Well this story gets even worse: because the child’s first name isn’t just Squire.
Squire Sebastian Senator is his full first name.
On the first day of school, this child will need to inform the teacher this his full name is Squire Sebastian Senator. He will have to write it all out on his homework sheets. He’ll have to fill it in on his attendance sheets and that’ll be printed at the top of his report cards. On the day of his SATs, he’ll need to fill out all of those bubbles and lament the fact that he’s run out of room while doing it.
At least he can make a quip about getting “extra points” for having such a long name.
At first, the unborn child’s mother seems like she just doesn’t have a sense of humor. But as her post progresses, it becomes clear that the woman is a tad, well, let’s just say “touched,” which is understandable considering she’s going through a lot and thought that Squire Sebastian Senator would be a good first name.
She really lets it all go when she starts insisting that her baby’s name is going to be “revolutionary” and everyone else with mundane names are going to be left behind in the past as the boring losers they’re destined to be all because their mothers didn’t decide to give them three-part alliterative monikers.
It came as no surprise that everyone online pretty much were in agreement with the woman’s friends and family members. People cracked jokes about other unfortunately-named children who popped up in the news recently.
Others even pointed out that there were rules in some countries, like Germany, that prohibited parents from naming their children whatever it is they wanted, and they couldn’t give names to babies that would harm their psychological well-being in the future.
All of this kerfuffle reminds me of a bit Louis C.K. did about kids’ names, and really makes me call into question the motives that this mother had for naming their child.
You have to admit that it’s unbelievably selfish of her to just double-down on the insanity.
She had a bunch of friends and family members who tried to warn her that doing this was a bad idea, but instead of taking the criticism and looking at things objectively, she elected to ignore everything and use the naming of her child as a big kiss-off to all of her “haters.”
The thing is, I wish there was a way to convince her that this has more to do with her kid growing up facing needless adversity than her trying to prove a point about revolutionary naming conventions.
My heart aches for you, Squire Sebastian Senator. If you’re reading this somewhere in the future, I just want you to know that you can go by the name Sebastian and you can legally change it once you’re old enough.
Although I’d wager there’s a magnanimous judge or two out there who’ll allow you to change your name before you’re legally considered an adult, given the extenuating circumstances. God-speed, young squire. God-speed.
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