There are plenty of instances where the United States Justice system screws up royally and totally innocent people end up getting shafted in ways that would give any depressing Oscar-contending film a run for its money. And in moments like that it’s easy to shake your head and everyone involved in doling out justice in this country. 

From the court system and its corrupt judges, to some cops who abuse children and are generally unfit as agents of “peace keeping,” getting down on the way we’re policing our citizens isn’t difficult.

But make no mistake – there are tons of absolute morons who break the law every single day, and after hearing these stories from probation officers about some of the strangest and straight-up clueless offenders they’ve ever dealt with, you might start sympathizing with Johnny Law a bit more.

All right, maybe you won’t go that far, but you know what I mean.


Teenager goes to “big boy jail” because picking up trash was “beneath him.”

Had a kid on probation for your basic teenage offenses (underage drinking, minor vandalism, shoplifting); kid had a rough upbringing and almost no role models so the judge took it easy on him and he got sentenced to community service rather than Big Boy Jail. Didn’t show up. The kid just didn’t go because, according to him, he wasn’t about to be seen picking up trash like some lowclass “insert whatever racial slur kid could think of.” Well, guess who got to go to Big Boy Jail.



This guy who thinks rear-ending cop cars is a good idea.

An old roommate of mine was on probation for drunk driving and he calls me one day to ask if I can take his dog out fora walk because he wont be home. He rear ended a cop in a parking lot with an open beer in the car.

He got an ankle bracelet and I got a new apartment. I’m not living with someone that stupid.



If you’re gonna use fake genitals to pass the pee test, make sure you get one that matches the color of your skin.

Former PO… We had to stand in the bathroom and watch as the offenders provided a urine sample. One time, a black male decided to use a “whizzinator” (plastic penis with a tube attached to a plastic bag full of “clean” urine). He didn’t think that officers would be in the bathroom watching him and unfortunately for him, he used a white “whizzinator”.

Another time, an offender was told that he was being arrested. He panicked and decided to run through the window, that was in his officer’s cubicle (1st story). Apparently, not thinking that he was in South Florida, he bounced off of the hurricane proof glass. When he woke up, he was already in handcuffs, ready to go.



This cab rider who just never learns.

Had a client sentenced for transportation fraud, skipped out on cab fare. Guess how she got to her 1st appointment with me? Yep, took a cab to my office and skipped out on the fare.



The class mascot no one asked for.

I’m a cop and one of my coworkers was formerly a Probation Officer in Florida. One day he got a call that one of his felons, who was a sex offender, had been arrested for giving a blowjob to a donkey that he had tied up in a field….in front of a bus full of elementary school students. 



This man who has no concept of “there’s a time and place for everything.”

I’m a case manager for offenders placed on probation to help get their shit together.

Not my client but I know one who narrowly passed his diversion program instead of going to prison, only to go to the probation lobby and a watch a rap video of himself. Waving pistols around. With a sheriff behind him watching it.

He was violated and sent to complete his prison sentence.



The old microwave in the pee bag trick.

Sorry…not a probation officer BUT I have a story about my old friend who was on probation and on the way to meet his probation officer for a meeting and drug screen. I think he was on probation for writing some bad checks. Anyway, as he’s a stoner, he forgets to allow enough time for his bag of purchased “clean” pee to sit next to his body to heat to the right temperature. Genius decides to swing by a gas station on his way to meet his officer and throw the piss bag in the microwave. Welp, somehow he lost track of time with this as well and ended up exploding his pee bag in the microwave. Knowing he had no solutions to his now mulitple problems, he went back home and partied. He didnt even clean out the microwave. Turned himself in when the warrant was issued and went to jail for 30ish days.



This extremely humiliating, but positive story – from the offender’s perspective.

Not a P.O. I was on probation years ago. At the time I had a serious opioid and benzo habit. I had just spent a week in jail over a probation violation for not paying a fine. Got out, started getting high right away, since I didn’t use for a week my tolerance went down a bit. I had to see my probation officer in a week from the time I got out. That whole week was a blur but I remember the night before, I did a few pills, passed out in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I wake up to cops around me. They make me get out, I take a sobriety test where you watch their fingers and such the a breathalyzer, I pass both. I get back in my car, they tell me to get going but leave before I did. I I didn’t want to drive that messed up,, so I’ didn’t and passed out again in the same spot. The same cops come back a few hours later, again they give me the tests and I pass. They tell me to pull my car over to the side of the street where I sleep for the night. The next morning I go to see my PO, I was still completely waisted, though, at the time I didn’t realize this. My P.O. knows I am messed up the minute she looks at me. She sends me in the bathroom with this guy to piss in a cup, when coming out of the bathroom I had forgotten to button my pants, they fall down right in front of her, I had underwear on fortunately. She asks me if I have a drug problem, I tell her no, but I may fail the drug test because of prescriptions. She again asks me if I need to go to rehab, I say no. Looking back on it, she was giving me the option of rehab rather then jail. Anyway, she handcuffs me and takes me to country jail, I was there for 3 months. To top it all off, I had driven to my PO’s office. Luckily she didn’t site me for the DUI though. They had my car impounded and I never got it back. This was years ago. I have over 3 years sober now. I was a complete fuck up, and am so thankful to be where I am today.



The guy who didn’t understand the question.

My dad is a PO when giving a drug test to a “client” the results came back and my dad ask the client if he had anything to tell him. The client then admits he stole his neighbor’s Xbox.

Also they think it they unplug the ankle monitor receiver no one will notice.



A long story that proves its better to just keep your damn mouth shut.


Cop, not a probation officer, I’ve seen first hand countless idiots screw up probation.

One recent incident that comes to mind is I am heading home for the night, getting on the freeway. Vehicle flies past me speeding, 90ish in a 70 and can’t maintain a lane of travel. Figure obvious DUI so I pull it over. Driver is 17 so he is a not-a-drop driver, either way he was nearly double the limit if he was an adult. His 19 and 22 year old brothers are in the car.

Two passengers are both being mouthy, insisting the only reason they got pulled over is because I’m racist. Front passenger smells of alcohol and is obviously drunk. Find out he is under 19, so under 21. Go to have him blow into the breathalyzer and his 22 year old brother tells him to refuse. I usually cut underage consumption (over 18 but under 21) with a citation unless they refuse to blow. He refuses, so he gets to go to the station for the formal refusal (Legal stuff, long story).

I cut the 22 year old a citation for an open container in a vehicle and tell him to leave. He refuses and continues with his racist BS, that if I am going to take his brothers to jail he should go to. At this point I am over the 16 hour maximum and just want to to go home to bed. 22 year old gets arrested to. On the way to the station the 17 and 19 year old’s both puke in the patrol car. Get to the station, they are remorseful, both blow. Admit they were being dumb. Mom comes and picks them up.

I discover that 22 year old brother is on felony probation. When he was 21 he was having sex with a 14 year old. He took videos/photos of the girl nude, sent them to friends and posted them on the internet. I later learned from his probation officer that the judge took pity on him because he is a refugee and a 21 year old starting a sexual relationship with a 14 year old wasn’t abnormal in their country/society. 4 months after being put on probation he is camping in a rural county, lights off fireworks and starts a wildfire. Was also caught providing alcohol to minors during that incident. Gets sent to jail and completes an alcohol program. Gets out, gets arrested twice for intoxication, judge sends him to an inpatient program for alcohol and tells him its his last chance.

Had he just taken a citation for the open container and walked away nothing would have happened. He would have paid his $90 fine and been good, he was less than three months from getting off probation. Instead, he was charged with contributing to minors, open container, interfering/resisting (refusing to leave the stop). He fought his probation being revoked until the bitter end. Him and his brothers showed up to court and claimed I was racist, they weren’t drinking/drunk, etc. The judge watched the dash camera video of their vehicle blowing past mine, stopped and rewound it, watched just that part again and didn’t watch the rest. Judge laid into him, asked how in the hell I could have possibly known their race when they blew past me in the middle of the night at those speeds with tinted windows.

Judge revoked his diversion and that idiot kid is serving the minimum mandatory for object rape of a minor, sodomy involving a minor and multiple counts of sexual activity with a minor. I don’t remember exactly how old he will be when his minimum is done, but its somewhere in his mid 30’s.



Why you should always Facebook responsibly.

The amount of clients who don’t realize their social media pages are public is insane. I had several clients post pictures of themselves smoking pot or drinking or being places they shouldn’t be. Guess who’d get drug tested the next day? I also had a client post pictures of herself with her baby-daddy, who just so happened to be a wanted felon for the past four years. Cue nice big investigation where everyone ended up in jail.

Another fun story: client tests positive for THC one time. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But we have to take the proper steps. So I bring him in to have a conversation with my supervisor about it. We’re basically going to tell him “hey, cut it out” and send him on his way. But this guy absolutely loses his mind during the conversation. Ranting and raving and telling us to take him to jail because that’s what we want to do anyway. Wrong buddy. Just lay off the weed for six months until you’re free. But nope. This guy gets so upset he throws a punch at me and ends up spending the next six months in jail.

TL;DR: make your social media pages private and don’t be an overreactive crazy person.



This dude with terrible luck.

A friend of mine was a probation officer we were out at a bar one night after a softball game and she abruptly said “I need money for 2 shots, I’ll tell you why in a minute.”

Confused but intrigued I gave her some cash and watched as she went to the bar and ordered 2 shots. She went up to a guy I didn’t know and was quite a bit older than our friend circle was. She handed him 1 of the shots, did the cheers salute and took her shot. She said “see you at my office tomorrow” and came back to our table. He just stood there staring at us for a few seconds, took his shot, and left.

She fills me in that the man was on probation and had a scheduled appointment with her the next morning. She was pretty confident that he would be going to jail for being caught in the bar, so she figured she would buy him his last drink.



The man who just couldn’t be late for work.

Guy showed up to probation reaking of alcohol (a multiple time ovi offender of course) naturally he got selected for a “random” breath test. Dude blew ,293 and told me he last had a drink last night.

Now policy was that he could either have someone pick him up or he could stay until he sobered up (jail was overcrowded ).

Now he starts ranting and raving about how he is going to be late to work and he doesn’t have anyone to call. I tell him tough shit, (I’m not letting him go alone to kill someone on the highway).

Eventually he gets desperate and calls his ex girlfriend and the crazy thing is she agrees to come! She shows up pissed as hell. I photo copy her license and hand him over to her. He tells me that he might get fired cause he’s going to be late. The ex gives him the shitiest shit eye I’ve ever seen and says ” you haven’t been this early to work in years!”

I laughed my ass off till I went to bed.



The one-hitter quitter.

Not an officer, but I was on probation at the time. We’re in the waiting room, and some kid ( maybe 18-19) pulls out a small one hitter pipe. Everyone looks at him and he just takes a hit of spice in the fucking waiting room, with everyone there just looking at him 



Using an ‘invisible’ drug a month before her probation is up.

Just thought of another one so I will double post. Not a probation officer but a cop.

Two months ago I get called over to a 4 car accident involving injury. Investigating officer says that the driver that caused the accident is acting funny and he isn’t sure what is wrong with her. I’m a “DUI expert” in a sense so I head over.

Before I get there the woman is passed out. Initial officer says when he got there she awake but not really responsive, could barely manage to get her wallet out of her purse. Multiple witnesses had been following her prior to the accident and she was all over the road. One witness had been following her for several miles before she got off the freeway. Several witnesses tell us that she tried to flee the accident, but they stopped her and took her keys. The woman then grabbed a water bottle and began to take a series of small sips off of it. It was strange enough that several witnesses mentioned it.

The woman didn’t smell like alcohol, pupils are responsive and not pinpoints, heart rate is good. The contents in the water bottle didn’t smell like anything. We get a lot of heroin overdoses but this doesn’t quite look like one. Will absolutely not wake up, doesn’t respond to sternum rubs. Paramedics get there, they aren’t sure what is wrong either so they pump her fill of Narcan, still no change. We rush her to the hospital.

Get to the ER and they take her to a normal room. Doctors come in, then more doctors, then more. When presented with ammonia she turns away, so some of the doctors start to think she is faking. More sternum rubs, I start to feel bad because this girl is going to be in a world of hurt when she wakes up. Doctors can’t figure out what is wrong, immediately transfer her to trauma I.

They incubate her, X-ray and send her for full imaging. Nothing is showing wrong so they decide to wait for the blood work. Blood comes back normal with no drugs. About 2-3 hours later she finally wakes up. I find out that she is on felony probation for extensive DUI, theft and drug history. I interview her and she denies using drugs. I explained that the hospital blood came back negative, but while she was unconscious I obtained a warrant and drew her blood which would go the state lab for testing. She tells me she was using GHB.

Initially she gives me a BS story that she went to visit a friend at his work who is a known abuser of GHB. She tells me that he had a Gatorade which she took a drink of and it tasted funny. I call bullshit, I tell her I saw three bottles in her vehicle on scene and ask if there is anything in those bottles. She recants, tells me that the clear water bottle contains GHB. I get a warrant for the car, get the bottle and send it to the lab. Bottle contains GHB. Learned from the probation guys over at drug court that GHB is commonly abused since it doesn’t show up in drug tests. Even hospitals don’t check for it in their normal drug panels. I had to send the blood to the sexual assault lab rather than the standard county toxicology lab as they weren’t able to test for it either.

When she woke up she was actually a really pleasant, nice person. She had been on drug court for 3 years, was supposed to graduate in 4 weeks when this happened. She put two people in the hospital with her stupidity, damaged 3 cars and totaled one. She didn’t have insurance. I rushed the toxicology results to make sure the case got filed before she was released from probation. The judge in drug court immediately remanded her to 180 days, no good time, no early release, no ankle monitor release. This will be her third DUI and because it involved injury there is a good chance she will go to prison for the minimum mandatory of two months then start all over on parole.

TLDR: 20-something woman just a month away from getting off probation decided to get high on GHB, drive, cause a wreck and injure people.



Wrong time for a drive-by.

Juvenile state probation officer checking in. I had a child on a trial home visit attempt a drive by with a stolen hand gun. Needless to say that trial home visit didn’t last.



This kid who screwed himself out of all his illegally-owned firearms.

Oblig not a PO, just a girl who got caught smoking pot in her dorm room and had to go to court.

At my court hearing, another dude was there because he allegedly got drunk one night and shot a bullet through the wall of his apartment complex. Apparently the cops confiscated a bunch of guns from this dude’s apartment (not sure if they were legal or not). From how it sounded, this kid probably shouldn’t have possessed any firearms. While he was at the stand, he asked the judge if he could have the guns returned because he still had a few and since they were part of a collection, he wanted them all together.

Complete silence in the courtroom. I watched the lawyer’s shoulders tense up. The judge was not impressed. She let him have it for still having guns when he should’ve given all of them up that night. She told him he needed to turn in the rest of the guns or he’d be violating probation and would go to jail.

He probably kicked himself so hard after that.



Getting beat by daddy for lying about probation.


My former boss was a probation officer. He once told us about an 18 year old on probation for drug use that lived out in the country. He went one night to check on him. He was greeted at the door by the teen’s father holding a shotgun as he had assumed my boss was an intruder. After explaining to the father why he was there it turned out that the teen had never told his parents about his arrest or drug use. The man called his son into the doorway and proceeded to beat the hell out of him for lying and forced him to apologize to his probation officer.



This candy story is actually really sad.

Was an RA in at Pre-release center a summer while in college. Only time I had to read legal stuff and send someone back to prison was a guy that had used all of his food stamps that was supposed to go to his wife and kid on a bunch of candy. And illegal candy (only certain types were allowed in the center, but I really don’t remember what/why). So a thirty-something YO man was crying that he was going back to prison over some candy.



Crack pipe on a conveyor belt.

Not me, but my dads friend. He had a guy coming into the court house for whatever reason. When asked if he would remove whatever was in his pockets and pass through security he pulled a crack pipe out and placed it on the conveyer belt…




County sheriffs deputy here, our bomb squad was called out to help with a probation search after agents found a pipe bomb in the felons house while doing a home visit. Blew it up with a robot in the middle of a nice middle class neighborhood.



If you have a DUI and a revoked license, probably not a good idea to drive yourself to your own hearing.

Not a probation officer, but I had a coworker who had his license revoked after multiple DUI’s. He ended up driving himself to his parole hearing. They threw him in jail.



The old water trick.

I had a teenager who was on community corrections get water from the water fountain and put it in the urine cup…water was super cold. Kid was an idiot.



Someone forgot they had weed on them.

I got roped into dropping a GFs sister off to see her probation officer, after I drop her off I see her walk, then look panicked as she ran to the bushes. After she got finished she ran back to the bushes then gets back in my car.

She tells me she forgot she had her bag of weed in her back pocket…..she wasn’t the brightest girl in the world. Guess she better be glad she was very attractive.



If you didn’t know the whizzanator is a felony offense in Illinois, well, now you know.

Kid ended up on probation for petty drug case. Picked up dui while on supervision. Got 2nd dui the night after the first. Fast forward some months and he’s on probation for all 3 offenses. Brings in a wizzinator and gets caught…this is a felony in IL…ya I know it’s fucked up. Anyway he takes a plea on the new felony and the violations on the previous 3 cases and goes to prison for a year or two. And the worst thing he was the loudest talker I’ve ever met. Probably trying to deflect attention from the fake dick in his pants every time he came in.


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