It’s enough to make you feel a little bit hopeless, especially when you see articles like this that say by the age of 35, you should have twice of your salary in savings.
Which elicited the kinds of replies from people on Twitter that you’d expect.
Simply because I hardly know anyone who’s 35 years old or close to that age that has anywhere near double their salary in savings.
So, in typical millennial fashion, people began writing what 35-year-olds actually have accumulated by the time they reached the golden three decades-and-a-half marker.
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
— Luke Trayser (@trukelayser) May 20, 2018
They’re painfully relatable.
by age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags
— vytas (@peakysblinder) May 20, 2018
Some of them are so on the nose you’d swear people were in your house, watching how you live.
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can’t throw them out because you’re pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you’re not sure which ones
— Lori G 🌸 (@LoriG) May 19, 2018
Others are just scary realizations.
By age 35 you should have started noticing uncomfortable similarities between you and your parents that you swore you would never be like
— Amadeus (@Amadeaux) May 25, 2018
There were those that got just too real.
By age 35, you should know that everybody is making it up as they go and nobody else has any fucking idea what they’re doing.
— SP Eaton (@speaton) May 21, 2018
By age 35 you should have a chair in your bedroom used only for holding clothes that aren’t dirty enough for the laundry but that you’re too lazy to put away
— Shenanigans (@moron_online) May 21, 2018
Some were more terrifying than others.
By age 35 you should have reached that stage of time confusion where you’re convinced the 90s was only 10 years ago.
— Jen Williams (@sennydreadful) May 21, 2018
I’d like to add to this next one that some of the tupperwares have impossible to remove sauce stains.
By age 35 you should have an entire cabinet filled with Tupperware containers. That don’t match. Just a bunch of random bottoms and tops that come cascading out on you every time you open the door.
— Danielle H (@FoodosaurusRex) May 22, 2018
There’s this job application one that’ll just make you flat-out cry.
By age 35 you should have at least 40 years experience for a junior entry level job.
— Pips (@Pips801) May 24, 2018
We’ll never go and search through all of those old files, but it’s comforting to know that they’re all there.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
— Alex Kerfoot (@akerfoot) May 20, 2018
By age 35, you should have lost most of your real life friends to misunderstandings, changing priorities, distance and unknown reasons and found a few hundred online strangers to laugh with.
— equa-nimmi-ty (@nimmypal) May 22, 2018
There are some people who come into their own at different times, however.
Listen. Meghan Markle wasn’t a duchess til age 36 so stop telling me what I should have by age 35.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 21, 2018
Snow and flu season are gifts from the excuse gods.
By age 35 you should have a collection of excuses for cancelling plans and a system in place for how to realistically rotate them.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 22, 2018
Replace that with some old navy blue prisoner pants for me and we’re on the same page.
by age 35 you should have one pair of jeans you like and a four shirt rotation
— ryan (@yeetztweetz) May 21, 2018
Being 35 also entitles you to a certain snobbery of sorts.
By age 35, you should have a cabinet full of cups and glasses that, in your mind, each have their own specific use, and should make you quietly appalled when a guest uses them for the wrong beverage
— Schwanzgesicht (@chaensaw) May 20, 2018
As well as certain anxieties.
By age 35 you should have a junk drawer filled with USB flash drives you’re reluctant to throw out because you don’t know what’s on them but are reluctant to plug in because… you don’t know what’s on them
— aloria 🦔 (@aloria) May 20, 2018
Any artist or creative knows exactly what this dude is talking about.
By age 35 you should have more unfinished projects than it is feasible to complete in your remaining lifespan.
— Jonty Wareing (@jonty) May 19, 2018
So many unkept promises to yourself.
By age 35, you should have at least 150 tabs open with articles you’re GOING to read, you SWEAR, but you just don’t have the time right now and you’ll get to it as soon a—
— Quantian📉 (@quantian1) May 20, 2018
Some of them were oddly specific.
By the time you’re 35 you should be wondering if the PhD and academic career were all a big mistake and if there’s still time to pursue your true calling as a professional cyclist or an unemployed yachtsman or a used book salesman in Barcelona
— Ben Myers (@FaithTheology) May 23, 2018
Cable is unnecessary. Stream a billion things instead.
By the time you’re 35 you should be making monthly payments to 17 different streaming services that together almost offer a film library comparable to a brick-and-mortar video store
— Eric Allen Hatch (@ericallenhatch) May 22, 2018
And of course, the only thing you should really accomplish by 35 is whatever you need to do.
By age 35, you should be pretty damn sure you don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks you should have done by age 35. 😂
— Bridget Kromhout (@bridgetkromhout) May 21, 2018
Not what’s comfortable or easy for you, but what plagues you on a daily basis. What you know you should do, day in and day out. That’s what you need to do by 35.