1. Everyone knows I’m a bad driver. Even if you haven’t had the displeasure of driving somewhere with me, you can tell by the embarrassing number of dents in my car or the looks on my friends’ faces as soon as they stumble out of the passenger’s side. “Terrifying,” I remember one of them muttering once after riding with me for the first time. “You’re fucking terrifying.” I don’t really care about that aspect of my reputation, but what does drive me crazy is when guys say, “You’re a woman, of course you’re bad at driving.” I can’t even argue, really—I am, by default, their shining example of why women shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel. Does it help or hurt my case to mention that I’m as equally impulsive, erratic, and oblivious in every other aspect of my life?
2. I’ve always hated the funny fat friend trope, partially because it’s problematic and partially because I resent how easily I fit into it. I would just really like people to know that my sense of humor doesn’t stem solely from negative self-image but also all of the other 12,089 issues that fucked me up when I was younger. I promise you that I could be the thinnest bitch in this room and I would still be fucking hilarious, thank you!
3. I studied abroad in college and haven’t been able to stop talking about it since, so I guess you could say I’m That Bitch™.
4. I firmly deny the theory that women get “too attached,” but goddamn it, I’ll admit it: I’ve imagined my wedding with nearly every person I’ve ever had even the teeniest, tiniest crush on.
5. Last time I got coffee with my sister, she told me one of her elementary students asked if all redheads are fiery. “I was trying to use you as an example of how it was just a stereotype, but then I realized it kind of does fit,” she laughed. I balked and pretended to be offended, but we both knew no one had ever accused me of being too mild-mannered. I talk too loud when I’m excited and rant too much when I’m annoyed and would rather punch a wall than be consoled when I’m upset. Sometimes I start arguments just because I’m bored, then end them when I lose interest. I’ve been called “feisty” and “sassy” and “temperamental” and yes, even “fiery,” but I still have a hard time believing that has anything to do with my hair.
6. When people say white people can’t handle spice, they’re talking about me. I once had three (3) Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in high school and started tearing up, and no one has ever let me live it down. I’ve started trying much spicier foods since then, but if I’m being 100% honest here, I still cry pretty much every time I do.
7. Anyone who knows me knows how emotional I am—a 15-second YouTube ad can have me bawling halfway through. Half the people I know tell me it’s because I’m a woman and the other half tell me it’s because I’m a Pisces, and I’m honestly not sure which is worse.
8. When I texted my best friend and asked her what stereotypes come to mind when she thinks of me, she responded, “That gingers are soulless.” When I told her that no, sorry, I specifically meant the ones I actually embody, she responded, “That gingers are soulless.” Do with that what you will.
9. I’m not bad at math and science, per se, but I very much dislike them, and I would very much like to believe that has nothing to do with my vagina.
10. I hate that I’m that basic bitch who gets lattes from Starbucks and orders pad thai almost every time I go out to eat, but I don’t hate it enough to actually change up my habits. C’est la vie, motherfuckers.