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Barbie is someone we adore and side-eye in equal measure, but most would say one of her strong suits is that she’s the consummate career woman. Hearsay is that in her near-60 years on this planet, Barbie’s had 130 careers, a similar number to the amount of side-gigs I have to survive. But when you throw back to vintage Barbie commercials, a dark realization clouds this world of hot pink. You realize it in one childhood-crushing blow: Barbie would not be great at these jobs.

A quick note! It’s hugely irresponsible to tell children that Barbie can’t be whatever she wants to be (partially because of her horrendous deformities), and I would never do that. I’m a feminist and not even a Barbie hater; I had blonde hair and a giraffe neck growing up so I was one of the rare few that looked at her like, “Yeah, this is right.” We were chill.

But as an adult (the mature kind who writes and reads nostalgia listicles) it’s really hard to look into those glazed-over, non-blinking blue eyes and think, “I would trust her to perform a major surgery on me.” The sheer fickleness of her professional record alone suggests she is not trained for most of her jobs-of-the-week.

So without delay, here are a handful of career tracks that, mmm, I’m not really sure would be best for Barbie.

1

Dentist

2

Lifeguard

3

Teacher

4

Doctor

5

Olympic Figure Skater

6

Rapper

7

Pizza Chef

8

Astronaut

9

Businesswoman

10

Construction Worker

11

Actress

12

Hoarder


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