There’s almost no way to talk about this subject without coming off as insensitive so I’m going to do my best to tread lightly, but some cultures and sub-cultures of those cultures are known for abiding by certain rules when it comes to naming their kids.
For example, if you’re Albanian, then you’ve probably got at least three male relatives named Arben, and every other female cousin, or aunt or niece is named Nora or a variation of that name. Now, when I say culture, I also don’t exclusively mean ethnicity either, I’m talking about how and where you were raised.
My wife, for example, went to school with two twins named Remy and Martin and later taught an adorable young kid named Yooneeq. A friend of mine once told me about a Dominican woman she met while on vacation calling to her son, his name was Gibe (pronounced Gi-bay). When she asked him what the name meant, the woman replied, “Gibe, you know, like the saint.” My friend didn’t know a saint named Gibe, so the woman explained further, “Like the Holiday that’s named after him, the one right before Christmas?”
That’s right, she thought that Thanksgiving, which she pronounced “Sans-gibay,” was a celebration of a “San” or “Saint.”
As a kid who grew up with the name MOO-STAH-FAH, I understand Gibe’s pain that will inevitably come as a result of his unusual name. Since my parents immigrated to the U.S. and I went to elementary school in an area that was jam-packed with Brians and Pauls and Lucases and Michaels and Christophers and Matthews and Bretts and Daniels and Davids, it was usually these fair-skinned and freckled boys that would ridicule me for having a name that sounded more fit for a cartoon lion.
But like I said, every culture and sub-culture has their own naming norms and practices, and Twitter user @nrherzog’s post speaks to a subset of unusual names that deserve some careful attention for a number of reasons.
While swiping through Tinder, mostly in the states of Washington, Colorado, and a bit of Massachusetts, Norah decided to record all of the “best white boy names” that she came across in the notes application on her phone.
And like any good important statement made via Twitter, she screenshot those notes to share with everyone else on the internet to enjoy. In her journeys, she witnessed fascinating and majestic monikers like “Taniel” and “Quest.”
I’m a bit fascinated behind the meanings of these names. Like, there are some awful-sounding names that just set someone up for life, like Boris and — why not let’s go there — Adolph. Sure, the names have kind of been ruined (especially that second one), but they have meanings behind them.
Boris means fighter, Adolph is a “noble wolf.” But, unless you’ve got a really big affinity for the name, you’re probably not going to name your kid Boris, and I don’t even think it’s legal in most countries to name a child Adolph.
But I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish by naming their kid Quest. Did they have an affinity for one of the greatest OG hip-hop groups around? Because that’s the only answer I’ll ever accept. And I’ve heard of the name Dustin before, but did the nurse mess up when filling out the birth certificate and accidentally stick a child with “Gustin”?
Well, Gustin could be short for “Augustin,” which makes sense. But I would much rather believe that the boy’s parents were obsessed with Urban Dictionary and came across this definition while discussing how they wished they would give birth to an overly-talkative kid.
Oh and if you thought her first page of names was bad, the second one contained a bunch of other winners, too. Like who names their son “Bligh”? Isn’t that an alternate spelling of “Blegh”? Do you know what you’ve done to that poor child when he goes to school? The endless ridicule?
And how is “Auston” pronounced, like “Gaston”? And Johnathon sounds like a Krasinski movie or a TV show marathon that quirky buddies came up with in an episode of a tired sitcom that’s just trying way too hard.
Forget Korder. Forget Ketch (which I’m convinced is short for Ketchup). Forget Bayne with a “y,” but we can take a second to talk about Thorin, as in, Thorin Oakenshield, the sexy dwarf from The Hobbit
People were scratching their heads over all the apparently brand new ways moms have come up with to name their kids familiar monikers like “Kevin” and “Caitlyn.” I don’t know why adding unnecessary h’s and ae’s makes them feel better their kids. I think a formal study needs to be conducted to get to the bottom of this.
In case you’re reading this and you have a name mentioned on the list above, don’t feel bad because, one, you’re reading this article and it’s written by a guy named Mustafa for crying out loud. You’re fine, trust me.
And two, because the 2017 Alberta, Canada list of popular baby names dropped online and some of the monikers on that little roundup had people howling. Can you believe someone named their kid “Zeppelin” and another thought it’d be cool to call their child, “V”? Like, just the letter, “V.”
Look, I like 99-cent cans of iced tea as much as the next guy, and Stranger Things is a great, great show. That Dolphin game on Sega Genesis? Incredible! But I’m not going to name my kids Arizona, Eleven, or Echo because of it.
As much as I want to hate on the names in the list, however, people kept tweeting out absolute gems that just bring me so much delight. Cola? Denmark? Friggin XAX? What’s Xax? What is that? It sounds like a deviant art username or something.
OK but seriously, we’re all laughing at these kids’ names, but just remember, there’s going to be a child called Chrome walking the halls and everyone is going to think he was either named after a web browser or dope rims.